If you need me.

It’s been a hard day. A hard to be nice to people kind of day. Any person really. My kids. My boyfriend. His ex wife. The friends I saw at the gym. My neighbor. The man walking his dog past me at the park. My cat.

What is happening to me? It feels like I’m sinking under the weight of life and people keep needing me. I just want to scream at everyone to stop! I can’t help anyone else. Don’t need me. Don’t text me. Don’t look at me (don’t you dare smile at me). Don’t ask me anything. Don’t bring me anything. I’m barely holding it together. Please. Spare me from having to apologize to you yet again for being mad you brought me another plate of cookies. But I can’t.

As my 5 yr old walked towards the kindergarten playground today he stopped and turned and said “mom, if you need me… I can come home”.

And that did it.

Tear, after tear, after bloody tear. I hate crying. I’m so tired of crying.

I am humbled by how much my kids care for me. All of them. They have so much selfless love and so much willingness to give it. I am so grateful to God for them. All 5 of them.

I wish I could be more like that. More willing to stop and turn and look at someone and say if you need me, I’m there. Screw the dishes or the shopping or how I look. I’m there.

It is a holy attribute to be sure. One I know Jesus exhibited a lot. How many times did he and does he stop and turn and say “I’m here for you”.

In more ways than one I am grateful for Him. His love. His presence. For all the things I’ve learned from Him and about Him through my kids. One day I hope I can be ready to tell Him, if you need me I’m here for you too.

**I wrote this a year ago and never published it. Too chicken I guess. **